It is now week 4
and we only have to be at the clinic on Tuesday and Friday, December 4th and
7th, for two hours each day. My daughter amazingly continues to get to school
with less anxiety every day. However, she is still very nervous to go to the
clinic and cries in the waiting room on Tuesday.
On the way from school she asks me if we can stop at home first. I simply say no. Of course, I am thinking in my head, no f**king way! I am not making that mistake ever again! She keeps asking me why we have to keep this going if she had such a great weekend. I explain that being fearful about going to the clinic means they still have work to do. She understands yet she is still teary and shaking her legs with nervousness in the waiting room. She gets so nervous every time someone walks down the hallway thinking its Dr. G. I know when she is coming. I know what her walk sounds like down the hallway. I know lots about this clinic by now...
On the way from school she asks me if we can stop at home first. I simply say no. Of course, I am thinking in my head, no f**king way! I am not making that mistake ever again! She keeps asking me why we have to keep this going if she had such a great weekend. I explain that being fearful about going to the clinic means they still have work to do. She understands yet she is still teary and shaking her legs with nervousness in the waiting room. She gets so nervous every time someone walks down the hallway thinking its Dr. G. I know when she is coming. I know what her walk sounds like down the hallway. I know lots about this clinic by now...
Dr. G comes to get her
and takes her away quietly tearful. They do their usual work trying to get
closer to a bowl of vomit and playing games with it. Games like turning her
back to it while Dr. G either stirs it in a circle, or picks it up with a spoon
and lets it drip into the bowl. She has to listen and guess what she is doing.
They finish up and we head home to get prizes.
We also started a
new reward system last week for not washing hands so much. It is working really
well. I give her play money every morning. The first few days I started with
$20. Every time she washes her hands, she pays me $1. Showers cost $3. At
bedtime, she can use whatever money is left over to buy something from the
prize store in my room. She and I have had a fun time buying nail polish and
earrings and all sorts of other fun things. There are also coupons I made for 5
minute back tickles and messages and one for a sleepover in my bed. Her hands
are looking so much better. They are no longer cracked and bleeding. They are
red and super dry and feel like crocodile skin, but I think her skin probably
needs a while to heal itself.
On Friday, we
head back to the clinic again. she is not scared today. She has also been to
school two mornings in a row without having a tummy ache. Not only is she not
scared, but we are smiling. Smiling and talking and laughing. The first time we
have ever done that in this waiting room! Dr. G comes in and looks at her. She
says "I see a smile!" Then she looks at me and says "I see two
smiles!!" She tells me what time to come back and I head home for a little
bit. I have such a good feeling and I am beginning to let down my guard and see
how far she has come. Last week she was the girl from The Exorcist, and
now she is my girl. My love.
I get home and
quickly type up a little thank you note for Dr. G. I tell her that she is the
reason for the smiles on our faces. I tell her how I don't even have the words
to thank her enough for giving me my daughter, and my life, back. I also let
her know about this blog that I started. Not because I need her to read it.
Although, she may want to since she is all over it, but, more because I want
her to pass it along to any other mother who may be in this situation.
I felt so alone and unsure of everything while dealing with this. Not many people want to hear that your kid is afraid of vomit and your entire life is a mess because of it. As far as everyone at the ballet school and my son's school know, I am "fine, thank you." And where the heck do you find another parent with a child like mine? I have looked online. There are lots of emetophobics that want to chat. But, I already know their story. I want a Mom - with my story. Someone who possibly went through exposure therapy with their child. Someone who would have told me that their child turned into the devil, too, and now they are fine. Dr. G and the clinic director obviously tried to ease my fears and tell me that everything that was happening was normal with this type of therapy. They have seen it plenty of times, I am sure. But, it's just not the same. They don't have to go home with these kids...
I go back to get her and hand Dr. G my note to read on her own time. They show me a game of vomit baseball. Basically, they have been spreading vomit on the table with a spoon and made a game out of it. I know, I know. You are thinking ewe, that is gross and that you wouldn't be able to do that. Well, you would be able to do it, too. You wouldn't like it, but you wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. That is the difference.
I felt so alone and unsure of everything while dealing with this. Not many people want to hear that your kid is afraid of vomit and your entire life is a mess because of it. As far as everyone at the ballet school and my son's school know, I am "fine, thank you." And where the heck do you find another parent with a child like mine? I have looked online. There are lots of emetophobics that want to chat. But, I already know their story. I want a Mom - with my story. Someone who possibly went through exposure therapy with their child. Someone who would have told me that their child turned into the devil, too, and now they are fine. Dr. G and the clinic director obviously tried to ease my fears and tell me that everything that was happening was normal with this type of therapy. They have seen it plenty of times, I am sure. But, it's just not the same. They don't have to go home with these kids...
I go back to get her and hand Dr. G my note to read on her own time. They show me a game of vomit baseball. Basically, they have been spreading vomit on the table with a spoon and made a game out of it. I know, I know. You are thinking ewe, that is gross and that you wouldn't be able to do that. Well, you would be able to do it, too. You wouldn't like it, but you wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. That is the difference.
Her homework is
to take away 1 hand washing after she uses the bathroom at home, start eating
more and continue chair spinning. And.... to visit a fast food restaurant! She
definitely does not like that homework. Dr. G also mentions that
eventually Denny's may be our destination. She even offers to be the one to go
with her when she is ready for that. She is not happy on the way home. She says
Dr. G cannot make her go to eat fast food and she is not doing it. I just
listen and let her get her frustration out. I already know my plan about
hitting Wendy's in a few days when she calms down about it. She will not be
able to turn down a chocolate frosty....
