26: Touching Vomit

     Today was our weekly appointment with Dr. G and the day my daughter knew that she was going to be asked to touch the vomit. I was petty sure of it, too, since we discussed it last week. 

     She called us all in again like last week. I set up my son to quietly play on the couch while she and I sat with Dr. G at the table. Dr. G tells her to search for the vomit, which is hidden again in the room. She finds it and brings it to the table. 

     As Dr. G takes the lid off, she looks at my daughter and says "I thought of you on Sunday." She and I wondered why for a moment. Then she said to her "what do you think would make me think of you?" Of course, she replies "vomit?" 

     Yup. Dr. G was throwing up on Sunday. She then asks her if the vomit in the container is hers. She confirms it is not, but tells us she thought about saving some for her. She asks her why she was throwing up and if anyone else in her family was sick. Dr. G reminds her that is not a question she is going to answer.

     We then talk about the homework tasks that she accomplished this week. The biggest being our trip to Denny's. Dr. G is thrilled to hear about our successful trip and also the fact that she is not washing her hands before dinner if we are using utensils to eat. 

     We talk about the goals we still need to work on. Eating more and possibly seeking out a nutritionist to help her gain weight, and washing hand less - and less vigorously - each time. She washes her hands like a surgeon. And, the sink is filled with bubbles so much that they sometimes ooze out of that extra little drain hole in the sink.

     We also have a long conversation about the medication. During the last visit I had asked if she thinks she needs to remain on her medication for much longer. After consulting with the director of the clinic, she explains to me that they would really advise me to keep her on the medicine for at least 6 months from now. 

     Dr. G agrees that she is doing really well and has done so much hard work. But, the medicine may have taken the edge off of her anxiety just enough for her to have been able to get through the therapy. She explains in detail to us how exactly the medication helps produce extra levels of serotonin, which her brain may have been lacking. 

     I listen attentively since I am not a fan of medicine. She explains well that some people need insulin to regulate their blood sugar, some people need glasses to see and some people need an SSRI medicine to regulate their serotonin. It is not a big dose and the only side effects in her seem to be heightened happiness and overly good moods. I guess I should not be too concerned. 

     She also explains that she is in a very vulnerable place right now. Apparently, there is a 50/50 chance of things reoccurring in kids like this. This is why we are still going to come on a weekly basis and why we should not be messing with the medicine dosage if things are good. She may have some rough times ahead with school and peers and puberty and all of the other pressures of a 12 year old girl. If medicine can lessen the anxiety and make it all a little smoother, then so be it. 

     She asks me my thoughts and I agree. I am terrified of ever having to go through this ordeal ever again. I am sure there will be things that come up in the near future. But, I hope that things can never get that bad again. 

     Then, the moment we have all been waiting for arrives. It is time to touch the vomit. Today's vomit is a lovely shade of yellow. She is a bit nervous and definitely disgusted. It takes her a while and we all wait. Dr. G is coaching her about recognizing her thoughts and she is helping her to use her detective thinking. 

     Then, she puts that skinny little red over washed finger right into the cap, pulls it out quickly, and says "I did it." Dr. G tells her to do it again since she was writing some notes and conveniently missed it. She does it again and is told to keep it there for a bit. I am amazed! While her finger is touching the vomit, they are talking about how she is squashing and conquering Voldemort (this is what they named her fear a while back). I can see a sense of accomplishment through the disgust in her face. 

     She wipes her finger on a tissue and we make next week's appointment. Her brand new iphone, that she earned today by getting good grades on all of her midterms, is on the table. She asks me to get it for her. Of course, I realize it is because she doesn't want to get vomit germs on it. I tell her she needs to carry her own phone. Dr. G catches our exchange and gives me a "good job" look.

     We get in the car and I let her clean her finger with a wipe. She showers as soon as we get home and my husband decides we should go out for dinner. We have a great time eating out and helping her set up her new phone. 

    On the way home, one of my all time favorite songs comes on. Cindy Lauper's True Colors. We pull into the driveway and the song is not over so we all sit and listen. Our daughter is playing on her phone, our son is climbing over the seats and my husband and I are taking in the song. All I am thinking is how happy I am that our family is back. Our fun, loving, little family of four is back on track.