23: A New Year!

    We are back from Italy. It was a wonderful trip. My daughter and I are both another year older. She is so excited to be 12! Her favorite number for some reason. I am now 40. I can't even believe how the time has flown. Everyone had been asking me if I was dreading the big 4-0. I had no trouble turning 40. I am just glad I survived 39! Good bye to the crappiest year of my life!

    She continued to improve and faced many challenges that she would not have been able to a few months ago. The plane trip was a breeze for her even with all of the coughing and sneezing. On the way home the other day, there was even a woman throwing up on the plane. She was a bit nervous and studied this woman every time she walked past to go throw up in the bathroom, wondering why she could be throwing up. She coped well with it and didn't ask me any questions.

    This was not the only throw up incident she faced. Not only did she cope with the vomit on the street after New Year's Eve, but she survived her brother throwing up. He got a cold and had so much mucous in him that he gagged and threw up. She knew it was going to happen and got scared and went to another room. Silly me flushed it right down the toilet instead of making her come and help me. She asked me after why I didn't let her see it. It was just an automatic response on my part. She handled it amazingly though. She was nervous and jittery, but she wanted to know what it looked like and actually wished she had seen it. 
     She wouldn't kiss me goodnight though, for fear of catching a stomach bug and kept her distance. Said she was not ready for that yet. She was amazed at how calm I was. She asked me why I was not scared. I simply explained that her brother is sick and needs my help. If I get sick too, it will pass and we will all be fine. There is nothing we can do about it, so why freak out. I went to bed and left her with her thoughts. She stayed up late reading and fell asleep without being that needy child she was a few months back. 

    She has learned so many coping skills these past two years, but was never able to apply them. Now, having been so strongly forced to use her skills with Dr. G at the clinic, they have now become automatic. 

     I am amazed. I can't even believe what we went through to get to this point. I am so happy that we did not back out of the clinic. We almost did twice, but were talked into putting our trust in Dr. G. I will never forget the tantrums and the trashing of our house and the threats of her wanting to killing herself. And look where we are now.  A new year, another year older, and life is happy again!

   We are back to the clinic tomorrow for a one hour visit. She is not scared anymore to go. She is still nervous, but not terrified. She now just wants to get over the vomit work because she is disgusted by it. Not scared, just disgusted. A more normal response I think. She thinks Dr. G is going to make her touch vomit tomorrow and she says she is ready for it. She has been thinking about it during our entire trip to Italy. She says she wants to do it to get it over with. I guess we will find out tomorrow... 

22: The Dance & Last Clinic Visit Before the Holidays

The Middle School Dance

   Friday's session with Dr. G went well. They had not seen each other in a whole week, so it took longer for her to get her task done. She was more nervous than the last time, but not crying or shaking like before.
   She was supposed to get as close to the bowl of vomit as she had previously done, but it took a while. Dr. G explained that it is normal since they are not meeting as frequently. She pointed out to her that when you do something that you are scared of very often, it becomes less fearful. And, now that it has been a whole week, it is not as easy. She explained this whole reasoning to her and why we did 3 weeks of exposure almost every day and how comfortable with her fear she has become. She explained that without this intense therapy, she would not have gotten better. She would not be able to go to the dance, or even to school, or be with her friends, or eat, or not wash hands so much.

   After she explained all of this to her, she then asked her who she thought was the reason she was getting better. Of course, I am thinking "YOU! Dr. G!" However, the answer she wants from her is, Mom and Dad... I start to feel a bit sad as I am remembering how she said she hated me and how I was a horrible mother for doing this to her. I will never forget those words. I kind of know she never really meant them, but I am not really sure if she is still resentful of me. I will never forget the tantrum when she was throwing things and screaming that she hated me. We never really talked about all of that after it happened and she never told me she didn't mean to say those things. I think she may have just said she was sorry.
   After Dr. G gets her to say it was Mom and Dad that brought her to the clinic and Mom and Dad that paid for the clinic and Mom and Dad that wanted her to get help, she asks her if she ever apologized to me. We both look at each other and shake our heads sadly. Dr. G says "maybe you should write a letter to Mom. And, maybe Dad needs a letter, too." She just listens and takes it all in.

   We make an appointment for Monday morning at 8. It will be our last appointment until after the Holidays. Dr. G is going away and we will be heading to Italy on Friday. We leave with our homework assignments of washing hands less, spinning after during or before eating and eating until she is uncomfortably full. Basically, anything that may induce a tummy ache so she can learn to cope with the sensation.

   We then head to her friend's house where they are waiting for her to get ready for the Middle School Winter Dance together. I have never met the Mom before and we wind up chatting for a while. The girls are having fun exchanging Christmas presents and my son is playing.

   I sit down with Iris and she tells me that she made sure my daughter has a clean towel to shower with since she was told that she is a germ freak. I laugh and thank her for the clean towel. Then I tell her the whole story. She listens very attentively and then says she can understand my feelings of hopelessness and worry. When her daughter was 6, she had a brain tumor. I am almost embarrassed that I have bored her with our fear of vomit story. I even say so. She tells me not to undermine our troubles. Having a mentally unstable child is not any less trying than having a physically unstable child. We talk and share stories about how another one of her 3 children is also having health related issues that may be similar to her daughter's but they will need to wait a bit until they know. I feel for her and see her strength.

   During this whole ordeal, I have always tried to think of people who have much sadder and much more difficult things they are going through. My father, who passed away from a terminal illness when I was in my early 20's, would always tell me that was how he got through his days. He would constantly remind himself that somewhere in the world, there was someone in much more pain and who needed much more help than him. Those words have always stuck with me, yet are often hard to live by. Every birthday of our daughter I am reminded of his words again. She was born on the anniversary of his death.
     The dance went well, although she was in a horrible mood when she got home. She had a long day at school, then the clinic, then the dance. She did not eat much and she gets horribly grumpy when she doesn't eat. She gets home and doesn't even want to talk and is very rude when I try to ask what is wrong. I revoke her computer privileges and then I tell her how sad I am that I bought her a beautiful dress and shoes and she won’t even tell me how the night was. I say good night and go to bed mad.  She showers, and then goes to bed. Before she falls asleep, she writes me a letter that she gives me in the morning. It is a beautiful letter in which she apologizes for her behavior and also assures me that when she said she hated me all those times, she did not mean it. I thank her and give her a big hug in the morning.

Packing for Italy

   It is now Monday, the 17th. She has her appointment with Dr. G and I just dropped her off at school. This morning Dr. G had her own finger in the vomit with my daughter watching. Watching and eating her Luna bar for breakfast. A big step! They ended the session with a high 5. Two high 5's actually, because, it took her twice to realize she was slapping Dr. G's hand that may have touched the vomit. Ahhhhhh! She got scared and asked her which hand touched the vomit. Dr. G simply looked at her and shrugged her shoulders.
   We now have a break from the clinic until January 8th. We will keep up our homework and look for some good exposure opportunities. The airplane will be a good one to start with. 10 hours on a plane with lots of people jammed together.

21: More Progress & Tonight is the School Dance

Fast Food

 

   Today is Friday, December 14th. I have actually caught up with my blog and I am feeling happy writing about today instead of the past. My daughter is still doing really well. She has even been to a couple of fast food restaurants for French fries and a chocolate frosty. And to 5 Guys for some yummy burgers. She has gained back 3 of her 7 lost pounds and is looking better and more energetic.
   Her middle school had a little Winter Show this week. It was so nice to be there and see her comfortable in a crowded place without having to cover her face or hold her breath. She went off with her friends after the show and I talked with some of her teachers and thanked them again for all of their patience with her. She is almost all caught up on her school work. The school, and her teachers, have been amazing. Her English teacher sat with her yesterday during study period to help her with a big essay that is for both English and World History. It was due 2 weeks ago. Mrs. D helped her lay out a plan of typing up her draft and emailing it to her for corrections this weekend. After she corrects it, she will email it back so she can finish it and hand it in on Monday. She also sent me an email saying I could email her this weekend with any questions we may have about the essay. I have never heard of a teacher doing this for a student on a weekend. 

   I am so happy we are at this school. I cannot even imagine the problems we would have had if she was in our local public school. They would have flunked her for sure and she would probably need to repeat 6th grade with the amount of absences she has had. Instead, she finished last quarter with all A's and B's. And it looks like she will finish this quarter the same way if all goes well with midterms next week. I have promised her an iphone if she does well. Not that I care too much about her grades right now. But, I am amazed that she has done so well amidst all of this.
   Tonight is the Middle School Winter Dance. We have an appointment with Dr. G at 3 and I will then take her to her friend's house where they are all getting ready together for the dance. Last night we went last minute shopping for a dress. She realized that she did not like what she had previously decided to wear and she was a bit bummed out since she found out her friends were all going to wear some pretty fancy dresses. Normally, I would not run out to the mall at 8 pm because my child is having a fashion crisis. But, I decide she deserves to feel good about herself and I want to help her fit in with her friends. So off to Nordstrom's we go. Thankfully we find lots of beautiful dresses and shoes right away. Thankful, because I hate shopping and I am tired from teaching. We have some girly fun in the dressing room. Giggling and making sure she can dance in each dress she tries on.

   We head home and suddenly both have a tummy ache. Oh no! A woman at the ballet school was just telling me how she was throwing up for 2 days with the stomach flu. No! Don't let this happen! She thinks that it was some Dr. G plan to get her to throw up. She knows that they cure some emetophobics that way. I ease her fears and say we would never do that. I jokingly tell her that if we did come up with some evil scheme, we certainly wouldn't do it the night before the middle school dance. Luckily our tummy aches subside and we go to bed.

   Morning arrives and at 6:30am, her friends all start texting each other. They are talking about the dance tonight and reminding each other of what to bring to get ready all together.  I love it! She is in a good mood which makes my morning easier. She inherited the anxiety from my husband's side. But, I get all the credit for the morning grump.

   Let's hope the dance goes well tonight. I will hopefully add some photos tomorrow. She has already called me twice from school this morning. When I see the school's number appear on my phone, my heart still skips a beat. I still answer in fear. I became all to familiar with the calls begging me to pick her up or from the counselor letting me know that she was in her office. Oh, how I much prefer today's "Mommy, don't forget to pack my nail polish and my shorts for under my dress."

   Before I end this post, I want to thank all of you who have been emailing, texting and commenting about my blog. Being in Miami without all of my friends and family was tough through all of this. I have never liked talking on the phone and am a pretty quiet person by nature. I did not even let my best friends know what was going on. I have discovered that I much prefer to write than to talk. So, thanks again everyone, for your amazing support! I have even heard from people I don't know who have come across this blog. I hope I can help someone else see a good ending if they are struggling with emetophobia. 

20: Week 4 - graduated to only 2 days of therapy

 

    It is now week 4 and we only have to be at the clinic on Tuesday and Friday, December 4th and 7th, for two hours each day. My daughter amazingly continues to get to school with less anxiety every day. However, she is still very nervous to go to the clinic and cries in the waiting room on Tuesday.
    On the way from school she asks me if we can stop at home first. I simply say no. Of course, I am thinking in my head, no f**king way! I am not making that mistake ever again! She keeps asking me why we have to keep this going if she had such a great weekend. I explain that being fearful about going to the clinic means they still have work to do. She understands yet she is still teary and shaking her legs with nervousness in the waiting room. She gets so nervous every time someone walks down the hallway thinking its Dr. G. I know when she is coming. I know what her walk sounds like down the hallway. I know lots about this clinic by now...

    Dr. G comes to get her and takes her away quietly tearful. They do their usual work trying to get closer to a bowl of vomit and playing games with it. Games like turning her back to it while Dr. G either stirs it in a circle, or picks it up with a spoon and lets it drip into the bowl. She has to listen and guess what she is doing. They finish up and we head home to get prizes.

    We also started a new reward system last week for not washing hands so much. It is working really well. I give her play money every morning. The first few days I started with $20. Every time she washes her hands, she pays me $1. Showers cost $3. At bedtime, she can use whatever money is left over to buy something from the prize store in my room. She and I have had a fun time buying nail polish and earrings and all sorts of other fun things. There are also coupons I made for 5 minute back tickles and messages and one for a sleepover in my bed. Her hands are looking so much better. They are no longer cracked and bleeding. They are red and super dry and feel like crocodile skin, but I think her skin probably needs a while to heal itself.

    On Friday, we head back to the clinic again. she is not scared today. She has also been to school two mornings in a row without having a tummy ache. Not only is she not scared, but we are smiling. Smiling and talking and laughing. The first time we have ever done that in this waiting room! Dr. G comes in and looks at her. She says "I see a smile!" Then she looks at me and says "I see two smiles!!" She tells me what time to come back and I head home for a little bit. I have such a good feeling and I am beginning to let down my guard and see how far she has come. Last week she was the girl from The Exorcist, and now she is my girl. My love.

    I get home and quickly type up a little thank you note for Dr. G. I tell her that she is the reason for the smiles on our faces. I tell her how I don't even have the words to thank her enough for giving me my daughter, and my life, back. I also let her know about this blog that I started. Not because I need her to read it. Although, she may want to since she is all over it, but, more because I want her to pass it along to any other mother who may be in this situation. 
    I felt so alone and unsure of everything while dealing with this. Not many people want to hear that your kid is afraid of vomit and your entire life is a mess because of it. As far as everyone at the ballet school and my son's school know, I am "fine, thank you." And where the heck do you find another parent with a child like mine? I have looked online. There are lots of emetophobics that want to chat. But, I already know their story. I want a Mom - with my story. Someone who possibly went through exposure therapy with their child. Someone who would have told me that their child turned into the devil, too, and now they are fine. Dr. G and the clinic director obviously tried to ease my fears and tell me that everything that was happening was normal with this type of therapy. They have seen it plenty of times, I am sure. But, it's just not the same. They don't have to go home with these kids...
    I go back to get her and hand Dr. G my note to read on her own time. They show me a game of vomit baseball. Basically, they have been spreading vomit on the table with a spoon and made a game out of it. I know, I know. You are thinking ewe, that is gross and that you wouldn't be able to do that. Well, you would be able to do it, too. You wouldn't like it, but you wouldn't have a full blown panic attack. That is the difference.

    Her homework is to take away 1 hand washing after she uses the bathroom at home, start eating more and continue chair spinning. And.... to visit a fast food restaurant! She definitely does not like that homework. Dr. G also mentions that eventually Denny's may be our destination. She even offers to be the one to go with her when she is ready for that. She is not happy on the way home. She says Dr. G cannot make her go to eat fast food and she is not doing it. I just listen and let her get her frustration out. I already know my plan about hitting Wendy's in a few days when she calms down about it. She will not be able to turn down a chocolate frosty....