24: Back to the Clinic after the Holidays

    It is Tuesday, January 8th. I pick up my daughter from school a bit early so we can get to the clinic for our first appointment of the new year. She has convinced herself that today is the day she will have to touch the vomit. She wanted to practice last night and asked me to chew up some dinner and spit it in a bowl so it would look like vomit. I have no problem doing that. We laugh and make it quite silly. 

     I do a great job and she is utterly disgusted at what really looks like vomit. My husband touches it and she gets her brother to touch it, too. It takes her about 15 minutes, but she finally dips her finger right in. Yay! She decides she needs a prize from the box for that. She picks out some nice electric blue nail polish and we finish the evening together watching TV and painting her nails.

    For today's visit with Dr. G, she calls us both in. My daughter tells her that she is cured! She tells her all about our trip and about all of the vomit we saw. Dr. G jokes that she has international connections for setting up vomit. I think she actually believes her a tiny bit... I have honestly never seen so much random vomit in these past 2 months than I have in my entire life! Makes this quote I found not long ago feel quite true: "Life will give you whatever experience is most needed for the evolution of your consciousness."

    Dr. G tells her that the container of vomit is in the room somewhere and she has to find it. She hesitantly looks around and finds it under the couch. She takes it out with shaky hands and puts it on the table. Dr. G tells her to open the container. She is carefully opening it with her jittery hands trying not to spill it. I am thinking that she is going to do as she planned in her head, and just stick her finger right in. It doesn't happen though. Dr. G tells her eventually, that is the goal. But for today, she is told to put drops of it on my hand with the coffee stirrer Dr. G gives her. Oh the things we do for our kids!

    She is really hesitant. She says she feels bad for me. I tell her that I don't care if she puts it on me. Although, I am hoping she doesn't get any of those green spinach looking pieces on me...

     As she is decorating my palm with vomit drops, Dr. G is talking to us about how amazing she is doing. She explains how her job is to get herself out of a job when a client is all better. But, before she determines that, we need to make sure that all aspects of her life are better. She also talks a bit about the theory of over correcting a problem to be sure it is fixed. Hence, the touching of vomit. Not something we generally need to be able to do.

    Dr. G asks us a lot of questions to make sure that the separation anxiety and the obsessive compulsive behaviors have also gotten better. She is quick to say yes, but I point out that she is still washing her hands too much. It is a whole lot less than before, but still too much. Dr. G can tell I am right just by looking at her hands. 

    Her weight is also still an issue. She has gotten up to 61 lbs, but is generally hanging out around 60. She was 65.5lbs before school began in August. She is eating more and it probably takes a while to put that weight back on, but she is too skinny. Dr. G asks me to call our doctor and find out her ideal weight. 

    We then talk about the goals to meet for homework. In addition to eating more, washing hands less (including not washing before dinner if we are using utensils) and starting to talk about a future boat ride, Dr. G mentions that she still needs to go to Denny's eventually. She asks if she thinks she is ready for that. She says she thinks so. Dr. G asks me if I think she is ready and I say that I think she can do it. She offers to be the one to go with her if she thinks she will have trouble with the task, but she seems confident. She does not want her to fail this one and really makes sure she knows she may not escape once she walks into Denny's. Now most people I know, myself included, would probably not go back to a restaurant that made you sick. But, this is part of the over correcting theory I guess and really being able to conquer the very thing that has conquered her for the past 2 years.

Denny's, less hand washing, boat ride & find goal weight

   Dr. G writes down the homework for us and we make our appointment for next week. Dr. G asks me if I have any more thoughts and I simply say that I am just amazed at how well she is doing.

    The next day is our appointment with the psychiatrist. She is also amazed at how well she is doing. Remember that a month ago, she was agreeing with me that maybe we should stop this therapy because she does not seem ready to be pushed this hard. She is now with me in being a true believer in exposure therapy.

She wants very much to be able to talk with Dr. G, so she asks me for her phone number again. She and the director of the clinic played phone tag for a while about a month ago and then they both gave up. She wants to be able to decrease her medicine in a couple of months which I am all for, but she wants to talk more with Dr. G about everything. 

    My Mom was right. After a phone conversation with her about a month ago in which I was completely distraught and feeling like I couldn't live like this anymore, she told me "it will pass." Someone told her that many years ago when she was going through a rough time, and she always remembered those three simple words... "It will pass."

23: A New Year!

    We are back from Italy. It was a wonderful trip. My daughter and I are both another year older. She is so excited to be 12! Her favorite number for some reason. I am now 40. I can't even believe how the time has flown. Everyone had been asking me if I was dreading the big 4-0. I had no trouble turning 40. I am just glad I survived 39! Good bye to the crappiest year of my life!

    She continued to improve and faced many challenges that she would not have been able to a few months ago. The plane trip was a breeze for her even with all of the coughing and sneezing. On the way home the other day, there was even a woman throwing up on the plane. She was a bit nervous and studied this woman every time she walked past to go throw up in the bathroom, wondering why she could be throwing up. She coped well with it and didn't ask me any questions.

    This was not the only throw up incident she faced. Not only did she cope with the vomit on the street after New Year's Eve, but she survived her brother throwing up. He got a cold and had so much mucous in him that he gagged and threw up. She knew it was going to happen and got scared and went to another room. Silly me flushed it right down the toilet instead of making her come and help me. She asked me after why I didn't let her see it. It was just an automatic response on my part. She handled it amazingly though. She was nervous and jittery, but she wanted to know what it looked like and actually wished she had seen it. 
     She wouldn't kiss me goodnight though, for fear of catching a stomach bug and kept her distance. Said she was not ready for that yet. She was amazed at how calm I was. She asked me why I was not scared. I simply explained that her brother is sick and needs my help. If I get sick too, it will pass and we will all be fine. There is nothing we can do about it, so why freak out. I went to bed and left her with her thoughts. She stayed up late reading and fell asleep without being that needy child she was a few months back. 

    She has learned so many coping skills these past two years, but was never able to apply them. Now, having been so strongly forced to use her skills with Dr. G at the clinic, they have now become automatic. 

     I am amazed. I can't even believe what we went through to get to this point. I am so happy that we did not back out of the clinic. We almost did twice, but were talked into putting our trust in Dr. G. I will never forget the tantrums and the trashing of our house and the threats of her wanting to killing herself. And look where we are now.  A new year, another year older, and life is happy again!

   We are back to the clinic tomorrow for a one hour visit. She is not scared anymore to go. She is still nervous, but not terrified. She now just wants to get over the vomit work because she is disgusted by it. Not scared, just disgusted. A more normal response I think. She thinks Dr. G is going to make her touch vomit tomorrow and she says she is ready for it. She has been thinking about it during our entire trip to Italy. She says she wants to do it to get it over with. I guess we will find out tomorrow... 

22: The Dance & Last Clinic Visit Before the Holidays

The Middle School Dance

   Friday's session with Dr. G went well. They had not seen each other in a whole week, so it took longer for her to get her task done. She was more nervous than the last time, but not crying or shaking like before.
   She was supposed to get as close to the bowl of vomit as she had previously done, but it took a while. Dr. G explained that it is normal since they are not meeting as frequently. She pointed out to her that when you do something that you are scared of very often, it becomes less fearful. And, now that it has been a whole week, it is not as easy. She explained this whole reasoning to her and why we did 3 weeks of exposure almost every day and how comfortable with her fear she has become. She explained that without this intense therapy, she would not have gotten better. She would not be able to go to the dance, or even to school, or be with her friends, or eat, or not wash hands so much.

   After she explained all of this to her, she then asked her who she thought was the reason she was getting better. Of course, I am thinking "YOU! Dr. G!" However, the answer she wants from her is, Mom and Dad... I start to feel a bit sad as I am remembering how she said she hated me and how I was a horrible mother for doing this to her. I will never forget those words. I kind of know she never really meant them, but I am not really sure if she is still resentful of me. I will never forget the tantrum when she was throwing things and screaming that she hated me. We never really talked about all of that after it happened and she never told me she didn't mean to say those things. I think she may have just said she was sorry.
   After Dr. G gets her to say it was Mom and Dad that brought her to the clinic and Mom and Dad that paid for the clinic and Mom and Dad that wanted her to get help, she asks her if she ever apologized to me. We both look at each other and shake our heads sadly. Dr. G says "maybe you should write a letter to Mom. And, maybe Dad needs a letter, too." She just listens and takes it all in.

   We make an appointment for Monday morning at 8. It will be our last appointment until after the Holidays. Dr. G is going away and we will be heading to Italy on Friday. We leave with our homework assignments of washing hands less, spinning after during or before eating and eating until she is uncomfortably full. Basically, anything that may induce a tummy ache so she can learn to cope with the sensation.

   We then head to her friend's house where they are waiting for her to get ready for the Middle School Winter Dance together. I have never met the Mom before and we wind up chatting for a while. The girls are having fun exchanging Christmas presents and my son is playing.

   I sit down with Iris and she tells me that she made sure my daughter has a clean towel to shower with since she was told that she is a germ freak. I laugh and thank her for the clean towel. Then I tell her the whole story. She listens very attentively and then says she can understand my feelings of hopelessness and worry. When her daughter was 6, she had a brain tumor. I am almost embarrassed that I have bored her with our fear of vomit story. I even say so. She tells me not to undermine our troubles. Having a mentally unstable child is not any less trying than having a physically unstable child. We talk and share stories about how another one of her 3 children is also having health related issues that may be similar to her daughter's but they will need to wait a bit until they know. I feel for her and see her strength.

   During this whole ordeal, I have always tried to think of people who have much sadder and much more difficult things they are going through. My father, who passed away from a terminal illness when I was in my early 20's, would always tell me that was how he got through his days. He would constantly remind himself that somewhere in the world, there was someone in much more pain and who needed much more help than him. Those words have always stuck with me, yet are often hard to live by. Every birthday of our daughter I am reminded of his words again. She was born on the anniversary of his death.
     The dance went well, although she was in a horrible mood when she got home. She had a long day at school, then the clinic, then the dance. She did not eat much and she gets horribly grumpy when she doesn't eat. She gets home and doesn't even want to talk and is very rude when I try to ask what is wrong. I revoke her computer privileges and then I tell her how sad I am that I bought her a beautiful dress and shoes and she won’t even tell me how the night was. I say good night and go to bed mad.  She showers, and then goes to bed. Before she falls asleep, she writes me a letter that she gives me in the morning. It is a beautiful letter in which she apologizes for her behavior and also assures me that when she said she hated me all those times, she did not mean it. I thank her and give her a big hug in the morning.

Packing for Italy

   It is now Monday, the 17th. She has her appointment with Dr. G and I just dropped her off at school. This morning Dr. G had her own finger in the vomit with my daughter watching. Watching and eating her Luna bar for breakfast. A big step! They ended the session with a high 5. Two high 5's actually, because, it took her twice to realize she was slapping Dr. G's hand that may have touched the vomit. Ahhhhhh! She got scared and asked her which hand touched the vomit. Dr. G simply looked at her and shrugged her shoulders.
   We now have a break from the clinic until January 8th. We will keep up our homework and look for some good exposure opportunities. The airplane will be a good one to start with. 10 hours on a plane with lots of people jammed together.